The Odd One

All things come to an end

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 19:58:45 GMT

Well, I havent updated this thing in a while. To be honest, I dont think I am going to be using this thing that much any more (not like anyone reads it anyway). I just dont see the point in being so open about things anymore. If people want to get to know me or whatever, they can talk to me. I have told a lot over this thing, and to be honest, I am changing.

Just sick of being alone and having no life and it seems that that is what I always talk about on here, so instead of letting the whole world know this..I am now a closed book. If someone wants to know something about me they can ask, else you are shit out o luck. Well, I have used this thing for like 3 or 4 years and it has helped me get through a lot, but now its time to say goodbye.

I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway, most of the people that did were in college with me and that was almost 2 yrs ago.

Maybe I'll write in this thing a month from now...we will see...

Thu, 25 May 2006 00:26:56 GMT

Just sitting here in class. Wanted to update. Only thing new is that I was in a bad car accident Sunday. I was on 95 heading south right outside of DC and got rear ended...spun me around 3 lanes on 95. Not hurt....I am grateful...God wants me alive for some reason...I hope I dont let Him down. Well, class is startin again...see ya....o yeah it was a rental car and not my baby-lol.

Wed, 17 May 2006 21:52:06 GMT

Just wanted to update this thing...have neglected to do that for a while. Living at home right now with the folks...it has its pluses and minuses, but overall I am ok with it. Ran that half marathon like two weeks ago that I was gearin up for...and I did not walk a bit of it. Let me tell you, it was tiresome, but I enjoyed none-the-less, especially crossing that finish line. 13 miles is a half. So, I also did something on a whim...I signed up for the Rock N Roll Half at VA Beach on labor day weekend. I need races to keep me going, otherwise I fear that I will not run cause I can be a slacker. I am just hoping that these injuries will stop and that I can train my heart out and pour everything I have into it.

On another note, I am not doing so good with my faith. I still have a great deal of faith in God, but right now I am at odds with myself. I haven't been to church in a few weeks, and I do not believe I will be going back to my church. There is pretty much nobody there that is my age, and I need fellowship where I am comfortable. So, if anyone knows of a church that is near me that has people my age there...let me know.

Other than that, still plugging along.
TTYL

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 13:48:15 GMT

One more entry from my apartment in Owings Mills before I move out completley and no longer have cable internet. This is somewhat depressing to move out- I know I may never see my current room mates again, and it bothers me since we are good friends. Now, I get to go live at home with my folks...I feel like such a loser. I just feel really old right now because I know that I will never have anymore room mates, and I like having room mates. I mean the next time I will move out from my parents it will probably be to a condo that I am living in by myself...it will be unsettling to come home to an empty apartment everyday.

I just have a lot of concerns about where I am heading and if I am going down a lonely road. I guess I will be doing a lot of running and fishing. One day...sometime soon, I will be able to run a mile under 7 minutes..that is my goal...no my goal is to run 13 miles with an average time of 7 minutes per mile.

I am goin to say something here. This running is great- it has given me the ability to come to terms with being lonely in terms of meeting somebody. Whenever I get like that, I throw on my shoes and run...I figure if I wont listen to experience then I am going to sweat this out of me.

You know, I have a lot of faith in God. I hope whatever happens it is for his will and the cause. And when I say "the cause" I mean helping others and serving others.

O well, I am out of here.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 02:07:08 GMT

Well, I am down with a calf injury. It makes me mad. All I want to do is run. Really, I get depressed when I do not run. Like right now, I am at odds with myself and I have no reason to be- I just want to burst out of this chair and jog aimelessy down the street for a smooth couple of miles. You know the whole reason I started to run was because of the depression I had after my brother's death. It was like one day I just got sick and tired of being in despair...so I started walking and then the next thing I know I'm running. So, I did it again and again and again until I could run a few miles without losing my breath. I love it. That feeling once you find a rythm, its amazing. I hate my legs- physically I cannot do long distances, but mentally I can run for miles upon miles -and I know it! That's why I have this injury, I ignored my body and just kept running. I hope it is better in time for that half marathon in less them two weeks.

On another note, I am moving back to my folk's house this weekend and no, I do not want to move back home. So, I will not have internet which means that I am going to be dropping off the face of the planet until I get my own place.

*Sigh* I miss my brother, Tim. I miss my ignorance. Ignorance is a beautiful thing. I still harbor around regrett for how I handled those last days before he died. To be honest, I was in a position where I could have done something to help more then what I was doing- I just watched. I watched my brother slowly die- a reckoning will take place for what happened. It may not be now, but sometime in the future a reckoning will occur...and I will be there. I will be there to justly take the consequences of my actions. To think, I just stood there...and what tears me up inside is that the more time that passes the less and less I feel like I know my brother. It's like he is becoming like one of those faded highschool friends that you can vaguely catch a glimpse of in your memory and you try to think of their name but come up listless. That's what's its becoming like. I hate it. There are times I want to fly into a fit of fury and rage, but I just can't. So, I run and run.

I sincerely hope that whoever is reading this never has to go through what I did. Embrace your ignorance and hang on to it for dear life, because once it is gone...its gone. Just do one thing, make sure that you never leave a loved one angry or with issues unresolved and always let them know how much you love them- you never know when your time or their time is up. Life is too short to let things bother you.

Well this is it. I probably wont be on here for a while. Wonder if many people read this thing and are interested in it enough to actually miss it. That's a pretty arrogant statement, but I do wonder.

Have a good one!

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 02:34:21 GMT

Have not updated this thing with some in depth material in a long time. I have been somewhat bothered lately by people coming up in my business. Particularly, about me being single. I love how all those wasted years I spent worrying about finding somebody people were always like, "You'll find somebody" or "You shouldn't look so hard...just let it happen". Now the tables have turned. I actually am not worried about it. Notice I said not worried, but I do care. But anyway, now that I am not worried about it and not letting this single thing be a thorn in my side, those very same people are trying to set me up on blind dates, and are encouraging me to find somebody.
Look people, I do not need any pity, or your charity blind dates...in fact I am completely content. So, let me be content with myself and not try to dictate how you think I should be living just because you think it is the best thing for me. I appreciate it, but please stop. I just have not met the right one yet. Heck, there might not even be a right one out there...and it's cool.
I guess I just dont understand why people feel that I should be somebody I am not.
My goal is to be the best runner I can be and to (most importantly) run as many races as I can for charity and raise as much money as I can for charity, so the last thing I want to worry about (cause its a big hassle) is my love life. Of course, I must correct myself here and say that my ultimate goal is to serve God by serving others, and then running.
Speaking of running, I may be getting a running partner. My friend (and I think I mentioned this before) is moving back to MD for like four months and we are both running the same half marathon in a few weeks, so it should be good. I think she has been running for quite some time, which is good cause I know I need some pointers. I just hope it doesnt turn out to be one of these cases where we plan to run together and it never happens. But, if so...I will run on. I am determined to make a difference by running.

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 11:19:37 GMT

So yeah, I am doing well. Getting ready for this half marathon on may 6th. Heck, I am not even sure if I can run a half marathon, but one of my old friends (like from back in the day) is running it so what the hey. So as long as I can do a ten miler sometime between now and then, I know I can do it...heck even if I don't do the ten miler, I can still do it, but it will be very tiring.
Other than that...same old song and dance. Have a good one!

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 17:09:02 GMT

Sick. I have been sick with a cold or something, so I have been a little off. But, right now something else is really bothering me. I did not go to church for the second week in a row, and it is partly to do with me being sick, but I could have gone - I wasn't that sick. It's like I can feel myself slipping again. That has been the theme for me over the years - I get things right with God and then I back slide, get things right and then back slide, and so on. The thing that bothers me is that when I have back slidden in the past, it is not something like a few weeks...its more like months or years. I hate it. I don't want to go back to the way I was when all I was worried about was me and just angry at everything. This is silly, isn't it? Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Maybe I need to do something to make me stay focused. I had this idea for a business. I want to do what I love to do and raise money while doing it. I would love to start an organization, like a walking and running organization that meets weekly and trains for sponsored events like 5k's, 10k's, half-marathons, and marathons. The money would come from the sponsors - like local business or big companies for their good will or public relations. This money would then go to organizations such as Make a Wish Foundation, homeless funds, and so on. For each race there would be a different charity that we would donate money to. I wonder if this is a good idea or if it will work.

I just feel like I have to do something. It's like I am just going through the motions of life and that's it- I do not want to go through the motions...I want to make the motions. You know, I want to make a difference- show God's love in a practical way to others. My current job doesnt do any of this. I mean I like my job; it is satisfying for me, but I do not feel like I am making a postive contribution to society. I do not want to be eighty years old someday and look back at the memories I have and realize that everything I did in life was just for me. Man, I hate this- I feel like I am busting at the seams with creativity and good stuff, but no way to get things going- I don't know how to get it started. Do you know what it is like to have ideas all the time and then not be able to communicate them to people the way you see them? I have started carrying a pad and some paper with me so when I have ideas, I can jot them down. What should I do? I mean I cannot in good conscience just sit here with these damned idle hands, but I have no idea how to get things going and I am a little scared.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 04:06:44 GMT

Wow, I have neglected to update this thing. Well, lets see over the past few weeks I had a birthday, ran the 5k (got a personal record too), and went back to LHU to visit. It has been busy. I wish I was back in college in a way, I miss the fun times and meeting new people. My training starts this week to get into 10k shape. This past week I slacked in a major way -not good. It is time for me to get serious and start eating right again and remain focused on my goals. Oct 14 is going to come up quick (thats the date of the half-marathon in baltimore that I signed up for).

Well, I am tired and need to sleep for the trip to SC tomorrow. I will write in this more later- promise

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 13:12:17 GMT

Well, I am just waiting here for my coworker to pick me up, so I figured I would update this thing. Looking forward to the 5k in about a week - I can't wait! Hopefully this weekend will be warm enough for me to run outside and see how I am going to do.

I just got done reading an excellent book; it's called "Irresistible Evangelism". It is about sharing with others about God's love in a non-offensive manner, which is what I have felt all along. Too many times Christians thump the Bible at others, and say in more words or less "Conform or you will go to hell!" I hate that, and I totally understand why people shut down when God is brought up in a conversation. I mean a lot of Christians take on this attitude of making someone come to Christ in one conversation by words...we come off as a car salesmen in a way. Anyway, what this books suggests, which is how I have felt all along is that you have to show people God's love through your actions. It's the little things that matter.

It's a shame how Christians have driven the very people they are trying to help away. Instead of trying to make somebody come to a certain point, doesn't it make sense to start where that person is at? That, and the other thing that gets me is a lot of Christians act like they are God's gift and that they have no fault. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that I am far from perfect and that I screw up all the time. My impatience is my biggest down-fall. But, all I'm trying to say is that if you don't believe in God, then don't be put-off by the stereo-typed Christian who is standing their screaming at the top of their lungs about God and offensively wittnessing to you. God's love is great and you can know it too, just dig a little deeper when you are ready, but please do not walk away from it.

You'll know when the time is right to commit to God. Maybe now is the time, I don't know, but do not ignore God's calling. You know what I am talking about - it's the curiousity you feel, that conviction you feel on your heart, its like a thirst for more than what the current situation is providing in you life. For me it was an emptiness much the same as loneliness, except the whole time I thought it was because I didn't have a g/f when really it was the abscence of God in my life.

I mean if you are ready, then talk with somebody or talk with me - I'll talk to anyone about this, or perhaps just say a little prayer to God that you want to know more - He'll hear it. Cause just by doing that action of prayer, I believe that that is your profession of faith (why else would you be praying to God if you did not believe), and then the content of your prayer is adressing the fact that you need and want God's work in your life - it's acknowledging that you fall short and you have done wrong. Believe and then act out your belief in this one way "Love others as you love yourslef". That's what it's all about. Its about everyone else.

Well, I hope that has shed some light on certain areas for you, or if not - don't give up or turn away.

Have a good day!

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 15:14:52 GMT

Man, I don't know what it is about these past couple of days, but I have been missing my brother, Tim a lot. Sometimes I still cannot believe he's gone. Then, I can't believe it has been over a year since he died. What the heck happened? I mean it happened all so quick. One day I was hanging out in his house watching a movie with him and then the next he's gone.

I really shouldn't of been in that house when the coroner took him away, but at the same time it wouldn't be right if I wasn't. Like I have said many times, I will never forget what I saw. That image of seeing my brother being taken out of that house in that black body bag is more than anyone should have to go through. Well, anyway...enough of that.

On another note, I am getting excited about this 5k in two weeks!! It's going to be great. My goal is to actually run the whole 3 miles without walking. I mean I have done 5k's on the treadmill many times, but I have never ran a 5k outside. I am hoping that this summer I will be able to build my mileage up enough to run the baltimore half - marathon in October. I cannot wait!

Well thats about it. Just been training for this 5k and thinking about my brother a lot. He was not only my brother, but he was one of my best friends. Its not a very good taste in your mouth to have to say you didnt do enough for somebody you love and that there is no way to make it right. It's like expecting failure...and I DO NOT beilieve in failure, but he's dead and I cannot change that. O well, what the heck am I going to do, ya know? I do thank God for the time we (my family and I and anyone else who knew him) had with Tim. Well, I have to go before I start getting upset.

Have a good one!

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 17:02:52 GMT

Busy Busy....and at the same time bored. I really do not have much to say right now, which is driving me nuts since I love to write. So, I am going to write in here anyway, even though I do not know what the subject is going to be.

My first class is coming to an end in the next few weeks...in a weird way, I wish it was not ending. It is one of the better classes I have ever had even in light of it being 7 or 8 weeks long. Speaking of school, I miss LHU. I was thinking about college the other day and how great it was that I had virtually no responsibilities and all this free time. I wish I had the attitude I have now when I was in college. That and I would be able to concentrate on my running almost everyday. My dream is to one day, like before I turn 35 to go to qualify and go to the Olympics. Nevermind win a medal..cause that's an arrogant goal...I just want to be soo determined with my running that I actually get to qualify. I'm just going to keep doing my best and who knows maybe one day...

Anyway, I was thinking about my friends from college..the ones that I havent talked to since graduation. Man, we had some good times...it is just sad that we will never have that same unique experience again. But, that is in the past and so, life goes on. I just hope everyone is doing ok.

A realization occured to me last night. I wasted a lot of time these past years. (Now listen, cause this is going to be different from my usual ramblings) I was laying on my bed reading this book (which is really good) for class; it is called "How to Get Ideas", and it made me realize something. What you think of yourself is what you'll become. Its true. What you think of yourself, is what your focus will become. Think of when somebody cuts you off while you are driving and you have to swurve real quick to avoid being hit; your mind sees the car and you react...you dont think about all the mechanics and mintue details it took for your reaction time and the limits of you car to do what it did....you just did it. When you think about it the same applies to life. Listen. The same applies to life. You will become what you think of yourself. Period.

So, I am lonely...so what...so are thousands, even millions of people in my same shoes...just waiting or hoping or trying to grasp the concept of love. Well, I have always thought of being single in a negative way....but what if it is not. What if I am in the perfect situation. I can do anything I imagine myself to be and I have nothing holding me back. Heck, if I want to train for some competition like qualifying then I can do it and not have to worry about a family. I can become a business owner...an executive! Yeah, I am full of wonder of what it is like to love somebody, but I think that is just human nature. Everybody always thinks the grass is greener on the otherside. Just think, I can live a life for the Lord (not that I wouldnt if I was in a relationship), and not have to worry about the increased responsibility of a family!

So, you see that if you are struggling with the same thing I was with finding somebody. Don't worry about it! Otherwise, you will be in your mid-twenties looking back and saying, "I should have listened to others when they said to not worry about it" Seriously, listen to me....do not worry about it..this is no cliche. I have been down this road (read my journal and you'll see), and it is futile to worry about it. Will worrying about being single or finding someone make it happen any sooner????? Actually, it will lengthen the time, cause people around you will pick up on the fact that you are stressing about it. And, this kind of worrying is a red flag to people of the opposite sex. Obviously, someone that worries about finding somebody has issues (yes I am saying that I had issues), and people of the opposite sex don't want to be with someone like that. Anyway, all I am saying is, "What is the point to worrying about love?" Its not going to speed it up and it is causing you to miss out on life.

Look at me, I spent soo much time worrying about finding someone that it has taken me a considerable amount of time to unwravel the ball of mess I have woven.

Again, LISTEN to me! Have you ever worried so much that it makes you sick? In a sense thats what happens when you worry about this; you develop this obession to find love and when you dont get it, you become an emotional wreck. Take it from me...Don't Worry! Just accept the situation for what it is and enjoy the fact that you do not have to worry about loving someone else or providing for a family. Heck, ten years down the road when you are married with two kids, you will reflect on these days with an envy that is indescribable.
With the mortgage payment, other surmounting bills that make you wonder about the cash, your husband or wife yelling at you to fix that or do this, and your kids whining about taking them shopping along with your car needing repair...you will rip out your still beating heart for just one day to be single. To just say, "I want to do this or that today" and actually be able to do it.

Well, that's my pearl of wisdom for today.

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 03:20:47 GMT

Wow, its been a while since I updated this thing. I am busy with work and school. So life is going pretty good right now...a little boring at times but none-the-less I have nothing to complain about.

Went to DC this week for business...I was four blocks from the Whitehouse. I can drive in any traffic now, because that's as bad as it gets. (Not that it was that bad...it was just congested)

You know some people have asked me why I write on here for all to see..and it is because I want to help people and if my learning experiences can help one person out than thats reason enough to "bare it all". For real, I know there is somebody out there that feels the same way I use to about being in a relationship and if they can read my stuff and it becomes a "aha- light bulb" then I am all smiles. Why should everyone have to learn the hard way - just let me do it-lol.

I have to say one thing before I go. Ever since I have started taking this class at the Mount, it has been changing me because its making me find out things about me that are making a lot more sense now (we had to do all these self-assessment test like the myers briggs - Im an INTJ - and other test like that). Also, ever since I was truly honest with myself about being afraid to fall in love, things have become clearer. I don't feel uncomfortable around women anymore which has made me realize that it wasn't the women I was uncomfortable with...it was me I wasnt comfortable with. O boy, I did another pych analysis on myself -lol.

Well...right now, I am going to lay in my bed and eat some ice cream - lol

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 03:51:49 GMT

I am going to be homeless in a few months. My lease runs out at the end of April and my room mates and myslef have decided to go our seperate ways. Well they did..not me. My one room mate is moving in with her friends closer to the city so she doesnt have a long commute and my other room mate is moving in with his fiance. So that leaves me...the fifth wheel. I can't afford to get a single bedroom apartment,,,my car has sucked up all my money...grrrr

So, I do not want to move back to my parents house bc I am 24 and my brother and his family are living there right now. So if anyone reading this wants or needs a room mate....

I am thinking about trying to look around westminster or staying here around owings mills. I dont know...maybe I should move back home for a while. Gosh this sucks...what the heck am I going to do with all my stuff???

Maybe somebody from my grad class needs a room mate...although they are mostly older folks in there or they are married or in a relationship so that prob wont work.

Damn. The more I think about this the more I realize that I have no choice; I am going to have to move back home. And I had such a good running route around here with a high school track right up the road to time myself on.

Man this really peeves me. Then again this is the price I have to pay for making an irresponsible decision of getting that car. ....But it sure is fast :-D

Well I am going to go...gotta start searching for apartments or room mates...somehow
Wish me luck!

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 03:50:19 GMT

I got pretty scared the other day. I get nervous when I fly, but I make myself calm so it is usually good. But, Wednesday was a different story. That was the day when there was really strong winds and it tossed my plane around in the sky. Like, I can take it when the plane goes up and down, but what freaks me out is when it goes side to side. Let's just put it like this...everywhere I looked there was fear in everyone's eyes and when we landed everyone had a sort of drained look to them as they exited the plane. Ok enough about that...next topic.

I was able to run a 5k the other day on the treadmill...it was my first time. I LOVED it! I just need to stop eating all this junk food...I'm like a piggy. Also, I started grad school which seems to be going well so far.

I was talking with my parents and then I was talking with my brother about women...and then I thought some more. I have to be honest here, I have been reasoning this whole thing out and have called women a waste of time..and its not right. The truth of the matter is that I AM scared. I am scared of falling in love. That's it plain and simple. There is no bitterness, resentment, or despair covering this up anymore. I am scared. You know, I do not blame that girl for giving up on me as quickly as she did the other week. I mean she read this journal and then that was it..she was done. LOL, I guess my ramblings and beliefs are a bit weird. This is me on here.

Anyway, all I am saying is that I was wrong. I was wrong about women. They are worth it. I was just using that as a crutch to cover up my fear. It's weird, but I do not think about this too much anymore....I figure when the time is right things will fall into place. What ever happens, God has a plan for me and I know it will be great whether I am single or not. So, yeah, no more bitter, negative Brian here cause he's so dull. lol

Well that's it.

O, by the way pray for my family and me...Monday marks the one year anniversary for my big brother's death. That moment changed my life forever more...it made me realize what's important. I still miss him. (Sorry if some of you my get freaked out by my religious beliefs, but here it comes) I still have a lot of guilt for his death. Like for me, I know that I did not do enough for him before his death. I could have talked with him more, made him get help with his addiction to pain killers, or helped him out with his rocky relationship with his girlfriend, but I did not cause I thought that there was tomorrow. And that is a lame excuse to stay idle. So by forgiving myself, I would be saying that it is ok that I did not do enough...and that is not right. I will walk daily with this until I die because it is the consequence for my idleness; and also, I will have to answer to God for this when I die. Some of you might say that I am coming down hard on myself, and why shouldn't I???? My idleness potentially cost my brother his life isn't that reason enough to walk with this. You'll see, one day (hopefully a long time from now) you will also hover over a loved one laying in casket with your tear drops streaming to the ground. You will look at their face and you will fall all apart....it will be a shock, a sudden jolt, a tragedy and you feel like there should be a reckoning to take place that will equal the tragedy, but it never comes...you are left with your thougts to reason what happened. You will sit there in the parlor wearing your face which stems downward and reaks with despair. WHY!!??? That's all you'll think about and then months down the road you will finally reach a point where you just have cried and despair all you can. You will just accept it for what it is and (pardon my language) it is shitty. So shitty.

Ok, well thats it. Peace out girl scout-lol

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 03:08:18 GMT

Not too much going on here. Just got back from watching the Redskins get beat at my parents house. This pasat week has been interesting and even tonight. I had somebody write me off as a religious nut even before we hung out (long story). This made me realize that if somebody has not experienced God in their life that they will be apprehensive and critical...and you know what I DO NOT CARE. I am going to stand up for what I know to be right.

I just feel discouraged right now, because all I want to do is help people out and most people end up getting freaked out when religion is brought up (what happened earlier this week case in point). So I am labeled as a boring person with a passion that is unhealthy by societal standards. That is what most would say. And I say why don't you start serving a cause greater than yourself.

What is the fun in going out to a a building with many other people and then drinking until you are not in the right frame of mind. To escape the pressures of every day life? Because you know that when you get drunk that you will not care what you do and that it is an excuse to act as you please regardless of how it affects others in a negative way. What is the point to it? There are better ways to have fun. Try running, any type of exercising, a hobby, or some other social event.

You know, I know I come off as judgemental, but I am really not. If I see somebody drunk at a bar or on the street, I do not write them off as a heathen or think that they are going to hell. I just feel bad for them that their only way of "fun" is to lose control of their bodily functions. You know there is nothing wrong with drinking and getting a buzz every now and then; it is when it is frequent. Would you say that eating 8 pints of ice cream one after the other is fun or perhaps eating 7 apples one after the other is fun, or perhaps eating ten hot dogs is fun. My point is that too much of anything is a bad thing, which supports my apprehension toward getting drunk for fun. You are playing with fire. Trust me...this is coming from somebody that was a boderline acoholic.

But, if you're anything like I was, you have already closed this window, becomed aggitated and offended (because its true), and called me a religious nut like it is a disease. Pardon me, but I will take my disease, thank you. :-)

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 00:07:55 GMT

Been a while since I updated this. Been busy with work and what not. You know in a week I start my grad classes and I am nervous and somewhat scared. It is going to be A LOT of work. Honetly, I think I may have made a mistake because grad school is not my first priority. Obviously my number one priority is God, but the ones that are likely to conflict here is work and running, both of which are above school. I am at least going to give it a shot though...I have to, becuase I would be selling myself short if I did not.

The other day I was on a plane, and every time the plane takes off or lands I get nervous. I get nervous because if a crash were to happen, that is when it is most likely. I tell you, that feeling that I get before the plane takes off is a feeling I have only felt few times in my life, like when I got shot or when I get hit by that car on my bike when I was younger...it is the feeling like this could be my last moment. I think about what I have done with my life...specifically what have I done for God? That is when I get a gut-wrenching feeling becaue I have not done much. God has called me to do something, and I am not sure what it is but I can feel it all the time. Like I know for a fact that the job I am in right now is not what God wants me to do forever. I don't know, but I get the feeling like my calling is something very big

O yeah, I have actually been forcing myself to talk with people that I don't know, you know like how I use to be before my brother died. I am sick of being this hermit type person with no pesonality. I am not going to bury the pain of the loss of my brother within me any longer. There are two choices: to become bitter and angry about my brother's death or to accept it...not like it but accept it.

Well thats it for now. byes

so much to say

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:55:34 GMT

This is it...the last few days of 2005. GOOD RIDDANCE! This year was bitter-sweet...more bitter than sweet. Actually, I was thinking of a New Year's resolution, but it's not really a resolution...it is a matter of getting my butt in gear. I am going to start training for a half marathon. Originally, I was going to train for a 5k, but I don't think that will say enough. Nobody thinks I can do this, but I will. I mean its a matter of commitment. I just have to start eating right again (cause jeez the holidays are tough to not eat a lot and keep up with the conditioning) and stay consistent with my running. The one thing that will take some manuevering around will be these shin splints. I am going to have to find where my breaking point is with these things and work it up until just before they start to really bother me. So, lets see, I can run 2.75 miles on the treadmill right now which means I can run about 2 miles outside at 9 minutes a mile before I start to feel it. So, a half marathon is about 13k which is what?...9 miles or somewhere around there. So then, my goal is to be able to run 8 minute miles, and to be able to run 9 miles continously. It will take hard work and dedication, but I am going to do it. So, that means my weight right now is around 195, so I think a goal of 175 is reasonable.

You know, I may not be one of the greats when it comes fitness acheivements, but to lose 50 lbs means I must have done something right. If you want to know how to get into running then listen up, otherwise just skip this paragraph. First, start off small - you are not going to be able to run a marathon right away. In fact, I started walking about a half mile a day and then after a few weeks I decided to run a quarter mile each day...actually if I would have thought about running a half marathon, I would have become over-whelmed and given up. Which leads me into my second protocol - YOU DO NOT QUIT! It doesn't matter if you feel like you are going to exhale a lung - when your mind is telling you to stop - ignore it. Listen to your body, not your mind. Push yourself, but do not over do it. Get to that point, where your mind says stop, and then tell your self you will run a minute or so more. Going on to the third directive is that it is better to measure your running by time and not distance. Distance is over-whelming, but time is not because time is fixed. First you start off measuring by distance and then switch to time. For instance, for a while I ran a mile every day and after a while found that I was getting no challenge from it, so I started to add an extra minute onto the average time it took me to run a mile. After, you start the only time you want to measure your running by distance is when you are trying to get past a running plateau. Finally, the most important is how you eat, fluid intake, and level of exercising. I have found that if you force yourself to drink water when you are hungry that it will make the hunger go away for a time. Those weight watcher tv dinners are great. Eat small quantities when you are hungry and drink a lot of water. This may be disgusting, but to gauge where I want to be with how much fluid intake I have is the color of my piss. It sounds silly, but if it is almost clear with no yellow tint to it then that is great cause that means I am fully hydrated which also means that my body is filtering away. Its weird, but water has played an important role in losing all this weight. Ok, I rambling. Just remember, if it were easy everyone would do this and it would be a part of everybody. Being hard is what makes it great.

Well, I need to get going here and pack for VA. Happy New Year.

O before I go just because I have a beef with some diets- its all about calories. More exercise means more calories burned, just as more food means more calories gained. (Those south beach diets and atkins-whats-its are crap. Eat what you want, but do not over-indulge and you will see results...and drink lots of water) So eat in moderation and run like hell.

wow, thats just freaky

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 07:24:01 GMT

You Should Get a MBA (Masters of Business Administration)

You're a self starter with a drive for success.
You'd make a great entrepreneur.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 00:32:44 GMT

Been doing a lot of thinking....as I always do. I am sick of being depressed. So, I am going to stop being such a sap and try to start to look at life positively. I had a conversation with my co-worker who is one of my good friends and while we were in deep convo she told me that I am negative. And you know, I have heard that before from many people, and I dont know what was different about this time, but she's right. I am negative, and the fact that many people have said that to me only backs that up. From here on out I am going to make a concious effort not to be so negative about everything and I am going to go do stuff.

I still miss my brother. There isn't a day goes by that I do not think about him. I have a lot of guilt for the way I handled the situation before he died and for not being more proactive in sharing the word with him. Now all that is left is a plot of ground and a stone where he is. Think about that. Think about it long and hard the next time you are with your loved ones, and you decide not to share the gospel with them. You put it off and say to yourself, "Tomorrow is another day; I'll talk with them later." Really, just think about this: perhaps there may be no tomorrow for them. How would you feel then....knowing that you knew the truth about God and life and did not share it because you were afraid or ashamed? One day everyone of us will stand before the Lord and justly receive what he or she has crafted throughout their lifetime. Death or life. There will be people in heaven watching their loved ones be justly rejected. Do I believe there will be tears in heaven? Silly question.

Somebody once told me this, and this was when I was still rage infested on the inside. Somebody once told me this and it has forever changed me...it started changing me right there...it started to soften me on the inside. This person was not sharing the word, but instead was talking from experience and the regrett and pain that it caused. I remember she was in her mid-forties at the time, and she looked at me so intently at me while we were talking bout my problems with my family and how I was angry at everything all the time (she was a coworker at McD's when I worked there in highschool). Well, she looked at me, and her through her teary eyes, she advised that I should never walk away angry from someone I love and that I should always tell them how much I love them because you will never know when it may be the last time. And that hit me straight to my chest like a bag of bricks. I saw the pain and regrett on her face as she shared how she lost a loved one like that... Now I know. I do not want you to know this, so please ...listen to me. Don't absorb this journal of mine and then as soon as you close the window let my words go out of mind. I'm telling you, it is one of the worse feelings to see a love one die before you and then to realize that he or she may not have made it to heaven or that you never took the time to care.

You may go through life with hardships, be lonely as I am, or just have a rough go at it, but nothing is worse than foresaking God by not sharing the love given to you.

Well, I guess thats it. I think I am going to have a cigarette right now in rememberance of my brother as cheesy as that sounds- and I dont even smoke anymore. (we use to talk and smoke for hours..just talking bout life in general and cars) Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 20:27:53 GMT

Well I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about what matters to me, people that have come and gone in my life, my brother, and just stuff in general and I have made up my mind about one thing. Lately I have talked about it a lot on here, and it is a shame that I have wasted writing space and a good portion of my thought on it. Of course I am talking about love and its elusiveness.

What I am trying to say is that I will limit how much I talk about it on here, or in general anymore. It is so foolish of me to be hung up on this; and no doubt, it is very self-centered of me. Just because I have not met anyone and fell in love, I have been somewhat depressed and def. angry about it. It is so self-centered of me. So I am done with it and there is no turning back. From a relationship point of view, I am writing off all women. Some of my friends did not want me to give up on love, but how couldn't I. I mean it has caused me a good bit of grief, despair, regrett, and anger over the past few years; and most importantly, my foolish quest for love (which is my own fault) has stolen my focus from God. I actually put my quest for love above God, and that is intolerable. It is all not a waste though, all these experiences with past girlfiends, whatevers, and crushes have helped to make me who I am and have helped me to "see the light" so to say.
I am not going to be bitter about it anymore, its like I always say, "it is what it is". Bottom line is that I just have to suck it up and deal with. What a tragic waste, right??

Wrong. Its time to stop thinking about it and time to start putting my thoughts on something worth while like God and other people. So this is it, I will limit how much and how extensively I talk about it on here as it is a complete and utter waste of God's time.

Well I have to catch my flight to NC.

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 01:01:01 GMT

Definitely have not updated this thing in a while. Hope everyone is doing well. You know I am not happy right now, but I'll get over it. I am not happy because I have shin splints and they hurt a lot. Also, I cannot run which is killing me. I even went out to a specialized running store to get a pair of good running shoes sold from somebody that actually knows what they are talking about and it seems like they actually made it worse. O by the way, for those of you who do not know what shin splints are....it is from running and what happens is that the muscle right next to your shin hurts to the touch and it really hurts when you run. It is like a sharp pain like a pulled muscle...pretty much shin splints are like your muscle ripping away from your bone in a sense. The only cure is rest which is why I am mad. Rest = lazy = Brian gets fat = Brian gets depressed = Brian cannot run a 5k in the spring.

I hope a few days will cure it otherwise I am looking at a few weeks off. Anyway, I was at the gym the other day talking with a girl that graduated a few years after me in highschool and it was good. I know nothing will come of it, nor do I have any expectation of that, but it was good to actually talk. It was weird, but we got to talking about bars and the way I asked her about bars was weird...it sounded like I was going to ask her out on a date. I said, "Hey, can I ask you a question..." (and it sounded like I was going to ask her out in an immature way...I could tell by the look on her face that she expected it too...it was one of those surprised-I'm going to have to shoot him down-dissapointed looks.......but I did not.) Anyway what I asked her is whether she gets tired of the bar scene (at which point there was relief in the tension hung be me being stupid and asking for permission to her ask her that-lol.).

O boy, I am rambling something fierce. Maybe I am interested in her after all. Ahhhh, but its pointless....I'm not going to ask her to go out(and for those of you that may be lacking, I mean to go out to lunch or something..not like go out bf and gf cause i would just come out and say "ask her to be my gf" and not be immature and say "will you go out with me"....just so you know what I am talking about here cause I am not rushing things) until it feels comfortable and by the little bit we see each other in the gym, that will never happen. Why do I get hung up on this crap. Cause I can tell you exactly how it will go down. We will see each other and talk (or maybe we will not ever talk again), and I will become more interested in her (unless she turns out to be different) then we will talk some more until one day one of our schedules changes or one of us stops going, or something like that and then she will become another regrett. Maybe I should start snubbing her off. Skip all of the get-to-know you stuff and the relationship and head straight for the break-up-lol That's it, I think I am going to start snubbing her off. My life is uncomplicated...but somewhat lonely...but anyway its mostly uncomplicated and she would complicate things so... there its settled. Snub off. Like she's interested anyway, right?

Ok, I am def rambling and I doubt that anyone has read this far, and if you have, please leave a comment telling me how much of a demented, foolish, pyscho-twisted idiot I am.

Busy Busy

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 14:34:10 GMT

Well not much been going on here...just been really busy with Thanksgiving and work.

Ok, so this is going to be a religious entry. We had a discussion at church this past Sunday and I have been meaning to write about it in here, but havent had the time. The question that started this discussion was, "Does a lack of commitment have anything to do with being saved or unsaved?"

At first, I said yes because the lack of commitment is a good indication of where you heart really lies and may mean that there was not true saving faith. Let me give you a distinction between "faith" and "saving faith". Faith can be in anything...like I have faith that when I get into my car that it will start. Faith from a religious perspective is believing in God. So you are asking what's the problem then? Isn't that enough? Well yes....and no. It is enough if your heart is right...and that is what saving faith is. Saving faith is belief in God and a focus to do what is right in God's eyes. You can have faith, but not have saving faith (trust me,I did it for years). It is what a lot of Christians like to call "luke warm"; you are just hap-hazardly meandering in the faith still doing anything with the motive to fulfill your own selfish desires. That is why lack of commitment has something to do with being saved. Either you are or you are not...there is no "well maybe". See lack of commitment to me falls in the luke warm category. Look, I understand the lack of commitment; I was there for so long. You feel so trapped and like you are spiraling downward. Really it is not until you realize that our focus is to be on God. What did God do? He focused on others. So really you are to focus on others. "Nobody is to seek his own good, but instead the good of others" 1 Corinthians 10:24

You know this is why I believe some of what the Catholics believe in. I believe that there could quite possibly be a pergatory (a place to go before entering heaven as a sort of preparation for heaven). If you have a lack of commitment then you will enter here and get things figured out before entering heaven. And you know what, this is heresay here, because really I do not know, so it is up to God to determine who was true, true enough, and not true at all. So since I do not know whether there is pergatory or not, it is pointless to really think about it (it is like trying to think about forever).

But, look at it this way: Do you want to stand before God knowing that you had a "lack of commitment" through your life? I don't.

Here is another perspective (and for those of you who have seen Batman Begins you will be able to relate). There is a line in this movie that sticks out and it is: "It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you." You may be the greatest saint ever with the strongest faith, but if you never act on these gifts and feelings then they have all been in vain for nobody knows how you feel or think. Only your actions depict to others what you think and feel. That is why there is a fine line (or should I say a defined line) between commitment and a lack there-of. Commitment is taking your ideas, thoughts, and feelings and putting them into action. By denying these gifts that God has given you (not acting on them), it is creating an idle situation. Sure a lack of commitment may not mean you are not saved, but it does indeed limit your growth and potential in God, and increases you accountability. You outward behavior is a reflection of your inward thinking.

I'm telling you....I have been there on the "lack there-of" side and it is unpleasant especially because deep down inside you know it to be not right. You feel it eating away at you and it comes out with depression or bursts of intense anger. You feel this emptiness growing inside with no way to fill this void. Don't tell me you haven't felt that way, cause if you are saved and have turned your back on God then you definitely know this feeling as well as I. And if you really haven't felt this way then good...or bad for you. Cause either you have never faultered or perhaps you do not know God and all I am talking about, at which point you probably are reading this and thinking like I did before I knew God, "What a freaking nut...hes part of a cult!!" Something happens when you take the first step of true faith and it is indescribable. Trust me, it is great.

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 13:46:07 GMT

Well today is my day off...I am so happy. This weekend should be pretty interesting, my little brother and I are going to take the engine apart on my older brother's Mustang and beef it up a bit. It might be a little difficult emotionally at first because the last time I really worked on a car that in depth was a week or two before Tim (my older brother) died on the very same car. But, my little brother seems eager to get to know how to work on cars, so what the heck....I cannot let a greasy redneck mechanic go to waste-lol. Here's hoping everything goes smoothley.

O, other big news in my life. I got into grad school!!! So once I get my classes set up and the financial aid taken care of, it is off to Mount St Mary's to begin getting my MBA. (That just seems so weird to say that...I mean who would have thought that I could go this far...I mean I use to carry a gun to school back in the day and was just plain mean.) So, fo those of you out there who say there is no God or are unsure...believe me there is most definitely a God....if you knew half the dare-devil dumb things I did (especially when driving like I was Mario Andretti) you would be astonished that I am still alive. God is there and for some reason He has just poured His grace upon me even though I do not deserve it.

You know what my dream is...it is to make it big. And, I do not mean big....I mean REAL big. The reason is that I want to give to others. For so long I have been consuming everything that comes my way so self-centeredly and I want to do something ....correction I need to do something for God. And, although I may not be capable of being a pastor...I can become succesful and make money...so all I want to do is keep enough to live comfortably and donate the rest. I know for a lot of you this sounds nuts, but it is the least in can do. That's why I hate the situation I am in now...I have gotten myself so far into debt that I cannot give hardly anything...and I hate it. What I should of done from the get go is set aside 15-20% of my pay and then just used the rest as my budget...that way I could give and also be prepared for anything big that happens (car breaks down, medical bills, etc). But instead, I did what the typical American does and spent all my money...Stupid me. Trust me, the next time that I get a substantial raise, I am going to budget as if I did not get the raise.

So yeah, thats my dream.

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 02:42:00 GMT

I have not updated this in a while which is unusual for me. I have been busy with work. So lets see the short short version of whats been going on the last few weeks: Applied to grad school...still waiting to hear about that, made up with my sister-in-law (I was being a butthead), been down in DC a lot for business, had no trick-or-treaters, enjoyed the mini Indian summer, dealt with some problems at home, and talked with a good friend about the whole love thing (which I am still not sure about), and that brings us up to date.

Speaking of that discussion....my friend will not understand that I am better off alone. In fact, she is trying to prove me wrong (but I think she is just saying that and will throw in the towel once she realizes how much it will take to make me think otherwise) Why should I try anymore with women? In the past I have found nothing but heartache, obsession, and grief with it. I also realize that this nagging (and very much) burning desire for me to love is here for some reason, but perhaps it is my penance for my years of rebellion. I just do not know. I mean when I look at women I feel nothing (and it scares me that I have become almost cold). I am just going about it with the attitude that, "it is what it is" and there is nothing that I can do about it. It kind of upsets me sometimes though. No woman will ever feel my love. I will never look into anyone's eyes and melt in them. Never be able to park under the stars on the bed of a ford truck with somebody and just hold each other under God's magnifigance. I will never have children. I won't ever get into arguments with somebody just to make up later. No woman will ever here me sing (when I sing bad or good-no one will ever make fun of me when Im off key), the right side of my bed will always be bare, and I will never here those words, "I love you" from somebody that actually means it and I will never say them back and mean it. .....IT is what IT is....what else am I to say????? Am I to sit here in front of the computer screen and beat my chest saying, "woe is me!!!"??? There's no point to it. Nope, I just go on with my life each day and live it the best I can in God's eyes. Maybe one day things will change, but until I hear a resounding gong in my heart when I look into the heart of another, I refuse to try.

Well, enough of that. IT is my bed time...I am such a grandpa now....10pm is considered staying up late to me when in college I would go to bed at 2am and wake up bouncing....now I just roll over look at the clock and almost will it to go back an hour just to sleep more.

Ok, I'll catch ya later